The biggest stumbling block to long term success and happiness is blaming other people for your problems. Modern society has adopted a victim hood mentality, that creates a certain cache for people having “issues” that are beyond their control. For any malady, you’ll have a troupe of (mainly online) sympathizers ready to reinforce any rationalization for why the causes are external to you.
This is an easy trap to fall into, but it’s a trap nonetheless. Any willingness, however small, to part with your agency and accept excuses will lead to your doom. If you allow yourself to blame other people and circumstances for your own misfortune, at all, you’re losing.
If you blame being broke on your lack of a degree, instead of your laziness and lack of discipline, you’re losing.
If you blame your crappy job on your boss, instead of your unwillingness to get more skills and find a better one, you’re losing.
If you blame your poor body shape on genetics, instead of your overeating and lack of strength training, you’re losing.
If you blame your terrible marriage on your wife, instead of your own lack of ambition, disgusting fat-body, and lack of family leadership, you’re losing.
If you blame politicians for your lot in life, instead of your spending more than you make and your reverence for “the holy dollar and the credit card“, you’re losing.
If you blame your poor health on “the health system and doctors” instead of your smoking and stuffing your face with junk food, you’re losing.
Whatever the malady, I can show you the cause if I put you in front of a mirror. Life is not happening to you, it’s a direct reflection of your choices and actions that culminate in your present circumstances. That’s the bad news.
The good news is that it’s all your fault. If it’s all your fault, then you have the ability to take the steps necessary to effect a change that will massively improve your lot in life. I’m giving you permission to look at any aspect of your life that’s not going well, and view yourself as the root cause. If that’s true, and you are truly to blame, then you can take control and change it.
Whatever you think about the validity of what I’ve said so far, you’ve got to admit that assuming you’re at fault for your shortcomings is your best bet in life. I’ll admit that things are going to happen to you that are outside of your full control. That being said, when such things occur, two things will be true. First, if you look hard enough, you’ll always find that you have some measure of control over the situation, even if it’s minimal. Second, your reaction to unpleasant circumstance is often more important than what’s just happened to you, in the long run.
Take the COVID-19 pandemic. Did you lose your job? In the micro, that’s outside of your control. Perhaps your industry was shut down due to lock-down, say if you’re in the restaurant or hospitality industry. That’s tough. You may be thinking that the government isn’t doing enough to get “relief” to you. But let’s take a step back. Were you in debt? Did you have a 3 month emergency fund for a “rainy day”? These are all steps YOU could have taken to put yourself in a position where you weren’t reliant on a handout from Uncle Sam for your basic living needs.
Now let’s look at your reaction to COVID-19. When the economy shut down, did you look for a job, or did you look for a handout? Did you hit job-boards, or did you hit the unemployment check line? If you lived in a state where the governor was exercising massive and arbitrary powers, did you leave? Texas, Florida, and several other states were always hiring. There’s always been plenty of jobs. You also could have opened your own business. You may have had to take a step back, and adjust your lifestyle, but trust me, that would have been much better in the long-run than an unemployment check.
What I’m asking of you is to never give up control. Never allow yourself or others to put any circumstance outside of your ability to change it. Never be the victim. Never allow yourself to blame others.
This is a hard pill to swallow in today’s society. Total accountability seems to be a product of a bygone era. Today, everyone wants everything handed to them, has a handout every time we hit hard economic times, and wants sympathy for every perceived transgression. That’s the norm.
Yet, as always, there’s rewards for bucking the trend. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is self sufficiency, calm, and the quiet confidence that comes with knowing that you’re in charge of every aspect of your life. It’s simple, but it’s not easy. It’s difficult to break the habit of looking outside yourself for blame. It’s nearly impossible not to listen to the lemmings in society who will commiserate with you on every negative aspect of your life. You will need to take active steps to break free from any tendency to look to forces outside your control to determine your life.
A great first step is to choose who you hang around very wisely. If you’re constantly with negative people who complain about everything, you’re losing. Complaining is the test of whether a person blames others for their own failures. First off, you must stop complaining. There is never an excuse to complain, about anything. Every day you’re alive is a blessing from God, and you must appreciate your luck to be here in this country at this juncture in human history. You must demand that everyone you hang around has a similar outlook. If they don’t, look for new friends, coworkers, etc. Once you associate yourself with positive people who are trying to be their best, you’ll automatically start doing so yourself.
In addition, when complaints and blame enter your mind, write them down and identify every aspect of the situation that’s your fault. Granted, that’s not going to be everything. I mean, if a hurricane blows down your house, you can’t play God and direct the winds to subside. However, could you have saved enough in an emergency savings account to cover leaving town for a few days? Do you have adequate insurance if you live in a hurricane prone area? Do you even NEED to live in a hurricane prone area? Whatever the circumstance, there are definitely aspects of it that are within your control, and that’s where you need to focus.
By the same token, you’ve got to stop dwelling on the aspects of situations that are beyond your control. The minute you start focusing on non-controllable items, you’re losing. Isn’t it interesting how comforting it feels, at least initially, to fall into this trap.
Lost your job? Will you blame it on the recession, even though only 10% or 20% of people are out of work?
Overweight? Are you going to blame it on your genetics? Damn those great-great grandparents!
Can’t pay your rent because of an emergency car repair? Will you blame it on your greedy landlord? Why can’t he cover it for one month? Forget about the mortgage he has to pay on the property.
That’s a crap attitude! The problem with this is that focusing on non-controllable items doesn’t leave you any room to improve your situation. There’s ALWAYS going to be something to blame. But if you go right to the non-controllable items, you won’t have any incentive to take charge and put yourself in a position to be self sufficient and win.
Instead, you need to own everything. Let’s look at those same three situations above.
If you lose your job in a recession, why don’t you do some introspection on why you weren’t valuable enough to keep? Another issue may be why are you working for a company that needs to shed so many workers in bad times. Taking it a step further, perhaps you need to be proactive, and (a) develop the skills that would make you valuable and (b) find a good company that could sue those skills and pay you more than you’re making now. Don’t wait until you find yourself out of a job to reflect on your employment situation.
If you’re overweight, it’s 100% your fault. You eat more calories than you consume! Eat less, and workout more. Find any of the hundreds of diets available for free online and choose one. Guess what, they all work! They’re all based on eating less calories than you consume. Then find yourself a workout plan. Guess what? Again…they all work! Keep trying different combinations of diets and workout plans until you find something that works for you. It’s true that your genetics may prevent you from becoming the next Mr. Olympia, but there’s no excuse for you not to be in the best shape possible. You’re success depends on it!
What about those emergency expenses that keep coming up? What if you got on a budget, and spent less than you make? What if you saved a few months worth of expenses in a savings account for emergencies? Do you think that would allow you to be prepared when things inevitably hit the fan? I think so!
Again, for EVERY single situation you face there’s an opportunity for accountability. If you adopt this attitude, then over time you’ll find much less chaotic circumstances entering your life. You’ll be in control, because you’re taking ownership and are in charge.
Hopefully I’ve gotten across that you need to make sure you’re taking full ownership over every aspect of your life. You’re not a leaf floating in the wind, and you’re not simply subject to the whims of fate. Take control, and don’t ever give it up. Don’t ever let ANYONE treat you like a victim, and don’t fall for the trap of making excuses. Again, the good news is it’s all your fault!