The integrity of the upright guides them, but the crookedness of the treacherous destroys them; PROVERBS 11:3
Truth is the most important facet of a man’s existence. By that, I mean that you can’t be successful, by any measure, unless you learn to honor and accept truth, and demand honesty of yourself.
That means first and foremost, don’t lie, to yourselves or others. That also means tell the whole truth, because a half-truth (or half-lie depending on how you look at it) is just as bad as lying.
The problem with dishonesty is not so much the isolated act. There’s plenty of people who lie here and there and get away with it, or so it seems. The problem is that dishonesty changes how you approach your life and what actions you take. If you know that lying is an option, you will tend to procrastinate, take shortcuts, and engage in disreputable activity.
A man who lies will be fine with taking off early instead of finishing an important project at work, because he believes he can lie his way out of it. A married man who’s dishonest will hang out at the strip club, because odds are he won’t get caught even if asked directly. A man who doesn’t care about the truth will steal from his clients or employer, because records can always be falsified.
Lying begets lying, and someone who lives with any dishonesty will accept more dishonesty over time. M. Scott Peck wrote, “The more honest one is, the easier it is to continue being honest, just as the more lies one has told, the more necessary it is to lie again.” That’s so true. Honesty (like so many things in life) is like a muscle that becomes stronger with use. Unfortunately, lying is like a muscle as well, if you choose that path. For most men, their lying muscles are much more developed than their honesty muscles. Any allowance for dishonesty in your life will bring more dishonesty in your life.
The problem is that little lies turn into big lies, and pretty soon a man can find himself in a world of hurt of his own making. He won’t have the discipline to lead the type of life that leads to success, because he constantly lies to avoid any difficult situation. But those difficult situations are the crucibles that life gives us in order to shape us into men. Lying may seem like a way to avoid discomfort, but it quickly turns your whole life to hell.
The honest man lives a vastly different life. He knows that lying is not an option for him. He knows that it’s not worth lying about even little things. Little white lies can lead to bigger fibs, which can lead to bald-faced lies that can lead a man straight to ruin.
The honest man knows he can’t sneak an extra piece of fruit from his cafeteria at work, despite payment being on the honor system. Yes, no one will know, but the honest man knows that if he won’t steal a piece of fruit, then there’s no way he’ll pad his expense report, and there’s absolutely no way he’ll embezzle money from his employer.
The honest man never looks at pornography or goes to a strip club, and therefore he’ll never be tempted to strike up a conversation with someone who’s not his wife, and therefore there’s no way he’ll ever be a cheater and ruin his family.
The honest man won’t make up excuses for shoddy work to his clients, so there’s no way he’ll even think about billing them for unperformed or unnecessary services, much less steal from them (or anyone else) outright.
There’s millions of possible examples here, but you get my point that small lies lead to larger lies that lead to eventual ruin, in this life or the next. Don’t ever resort to lying about anything, because it’ll force you to be honest about everything. These might seem like large leaps, but I’ve found that everyone I’ve known who gets caught in lies that ended up ruining their life can trace their downfall to small lies that quickly become bigger lies that eventually lead them to their doom.
What you’ll find when you adopt this philosophy is that it’s actually very hard to be 100% honest all the time. Yes, it’s easy to not directly lie when asked a direct question about something. For instance, if asked by your wife where you were yesterday at 2pm, it’s pretty easy to say “I was at the mall”.
However, second order honesty, which is to try to answer the question behind the question, takes more effort. For instance, say that in the situation above you were at the mall spending $250 you don’t have on a new trinket you don’t need. Second order honesty requires that you anticipate the question behind the question and admit the needless spending. Even better is to admit your sin before being questioned. That’s the ultimate level of honesty. This approach forces you to think hard prior to spending that money because lying about it isn’t an option.
Why is this required? Who cares? Second order honesty requires that you not only tell the truth, but also present all available information to give the asker a true sense of what the truth really is, preferably without even being asked. It ensures that those you care about and whom you want to influence are aware of all relevant facts that could influence their opinion of your actions. It’s very difficult to actually think about all the variables that could affect the other person’s understanding of the situation.
Why do this? Isn’t it good enough to just tell the truth in general? Why subject yourself to such a high standard of veracity?
Now the good news. The reason for this level of honesty in your life is that it will force you to live your life, and conduct yourself, in an extremely moral and virtuous manner. This will benefit you significantly over time as a man, as you will gain more trust and respect from everyone in your life over time. Your life, (and your family’s life) will be better emotionally, spiritually, relationally, and financially as a result.
You will develop a reputation as someone who can be trusted, and that will serve you well over the course of your life. You’ll develop better relationships with people and you’ll have opportunities you would not otherwise have access to. People will look to you as a leader, because on a most basic level people want to follow someone who will be honest with them in all circumstances.
Jesus, in the Parable of the Shrewd Manager, says “whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.” (Luke 16:10). Great advice. You should focus on becoming more honest all the time, on smaller and smaller things. This is the essence of this lesson, make sure you understand and implement this in your life. Become more and more honest all the time. Again, honesty is like a muscle that you must train, to crowd out dishonesty.
How about when honesty is going to hurt someone’s feelings? That’s a tough situation we run into all the time. What about when you need to reprimand a poor performer you manage? What happens if a friend is acting inappropriately? What if you’re breaking up with a girlfriend (remember, you don’t get to do that with a wife)?
The first thing to remember is that honesty is still important, even when dealing with the feelings of others. At the same time, it’s fine to say something in a compassionate way that minimizes the hurt. However, it is never acceptable to lie to another person as a way to avoid conflict. Your life, and that person’s life will ultimately be better for the truth coming out. Don’t lead a dishonest life, not even a little, because you want to preserve someone else’s feelings. This is especially true when avoiding the truth would enable inappropriate behavior that harms the other person.
I want to take a little time to touch on the area of honesty in relationships. So many times young men hold on to toxic relationships they’d rather get out of to avoid hurting their girlfriends’ feelings. Realize that when you do this, you’re wasting both parties’ time, which could be spend improving oneself and finding a more suitable partner. Staying in a relationship you know won’t ever lead to marriage will devalue you as a potential mate to someone else. You’ll not be engaged in the activities that will ultimately make you more attractive to higher-quality women. It is also cruel to the person you’re currently dating, as it doesn’t allow them to move on. Both of you are only young for so long, and it’s especially important for women to not sit in a relationship that’s going nowhere. Be a man, tell the truth, and end it.
Note that this is one of the reasons that having sex prior to marriage is such a bad idea. Sex is a cosmic connection to another individual that bonds you for life, regardless of what others say. Sometimes that bond creates a tangible connection, ie a child or even an STD. However, it always creates an emotional connection, which makes any potential breakup worse and harder to complete. Even worse is moving in with someone, which creates an added layer of complexity that makes being honest about a dead-end relationship even more difficult. Don’t listen to popular advice, and don’t put yourself in these situations. If you’re in a relationship where you have no plans to marry your girlfriend, be honest right now, and get out, for both your sakes.
Honesty needs to be a cornerstone of your philosophy. You need to realize that it exists on a continuum, and you must work on getting more and more honest all the time. You’ll quickly find your life-changing for the positive if you follow this path.